The first thing you think of when you hear the name "Julia Child" is that voice -- warbling, high-pitched -- it's what you imagine fussy looking chickens sounding like if they could talk. The second thing is the fact that the woman cooked French food, which, if you are not French, seems like a terrifying thing to do.
Or at least, that's was my thought before I began reading some of her cookbooks, her memoir "My Life in France" and seeing the trailers for Julie and Julia (in which, Meryl Streep looks like she's having way too much fun as Julia Child). Now I have to give the woman props for her writing and for being a role model for many women.
In the next few weeks, there will be many articles about Julia Child (hell, this month's Vanity Fair has a great summary of her life) popping up in support of the movie. In a quick summary:
Very tall middle class girl from California, instead of getting married as is the norm in the 1930s, goes off to help serve in the war. During which time, she ends up working for the OSS (perhaps as a spy, which is even cooler), meets her soulmate and eventually they fall in love in China amongst good food and interesting times.
After the war, the couple moves to France (he to work in government) and she finds her passion in cooking. She helps friends with a cookbooks, which after bouncing from publisher to publisher, gets published and the rest is history.
That's some of it, but really, what's inspirational is that she didn't find her life's passion until after 40. She bucked the norm at the time (which was to get your Mrs. degree and become a housewife) and married late in her 30s -- which was considered being a spinster back then.
While cooking has been derided by some feminists in the past as an overly "domestic" activity (the old image of a woman, barefoot and pregnant while chained to the stove), you can't deny that Child's legacy is an inspiration for many women. It's a reminder that we can find, pursue and succeed at our life's passion, no matter the age.
In an age where youth is king and there's the idea that you have to have your life figured out and on that track soon after graduating from college, it's nice to know that isn't always the recipe for happiness or success. Sometimes we need time to figure out what to do and maybe, by then, we'll have the drive to pursue it to the desired fullness.
As I wander into my 30s as a mother and wife, it's inspiring to know that whatever is out there waiting for me, I still can grab and seize it. Time hasn't passed me by. If Julia Child didn't find her passion until her 30s and 40s, then I think that there's still plenty of time for me. It's just a matter of finding the right spark and setting it on fire.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Doing time
Yesterday Jeff and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. Hooray! We beat Jon and Kate and we don't have eight kids or a TV show!
When we mention to people who have just met us that we've been together for 10 years (14 including dating and such), they're always amazed. The funny thing is that most of the time, I'm not. I know his family. The men in his family are not about "I have to go find myself/afraid of commitment/need to make sure you're my soulmate." None of that. If they find someone they love, that's it. They propose, the woman accepts and there is marriage. These are very steadfast men in their devotion to their wives.
But sometimes I'm amazed more in the way of, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU PUT UP WITH MY ASS?" Seriously -- my neurotic, guilty-pleasure TV watching, opposite music taste, tempestuous, defensive, angry, passive-aggressive ass? At my worst (which he has seen), I am not a nice person. Whole cities lie in rubble of my destruction. And he's been the target sometimes. Yet he still loves me and sticks with me.
It is a strange thing to realize that someone loves you for all your faults, and also refuses to see/acknowledge them. In the past, when I asked what he loved the most about me, he'd say, "Viv." Which is a maddening answer, when you want specifics. But the older I get, the more I understand.
He loves everything. Not in a singularity, but everything that makes up the person as the package. Jeff has said the same thing about Benevolent Dictator. It's impressive to think about sometimes.
And I realize this in the wake of our adventure at Restaurant Muramoto. I hoped he would like it. I wanted him to like it. In all honesty, I had about 3/4 of our dinner. He didn't have as much. I felt guilty until he told me that part of the pleasure of dinner was seeing me have so much fun. Of course, after we saw Public Enemies (aka: BALE/DEPP CHEEKBONE-OFF!), he couldn't stop talking about a bacon pizza and turtle sundae.
But you know what? If a man can get that much pleasure out of watching me have fun at a meal he's meh with, then I think that's a wonderful thing. I love that man. For everything about him -- when I am happy with him and when I want to rip him a new one. He's a good man and I'm one lucky woman to have him.
Of course, he's also damn lucky to have a woman who puts up with his video games, odd Viking metal love, ramblings and the fact that he can't seem to find the hamper to save his life.
Happy 10th anniversary love. I'm willing to do life with you.
When we mention to people who have just met us that we've been together for 10 years (14 including dating and such), they're always amazed. The funny thing is that most of the time, I'm not. I know his family. The men in his family are not about "I have to go find myself/afraid of commitment/need to make sure you're my soulmate." None of that. If they find someone they love, that's it. They propose, the woman accepts and there is marriage. These are very steadfast men in their devotion to their wives.
But sometimes I'm amazed more in the way of, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU PUT UP WITH MY ASS?" Seriously -- my neurotic, guilty-pleasure TV watching, opposite music taste, tempestuous, defensive, angry, passive-aggressive ass? At my worst (which he has seen), I am not a nice person. Whole cities lie in rubble of my destruction. And he's been the target sometimes. Yet he still loves me and sticks with me.
It is a strange thing to realize that someone loves you for all your faults, and also refuses to see/acknowledge them. In the past, when I asked what he loved the most about me, he'd say, "Viv." Which is a maddening answer, when you want specifics. But the older I get, the more I understand.
He loves everything. Not in a singularity, but everything that makes up the person as the package. Jeff has said the same thing about Benevolent Dictator. It's impressive to think about sometimes.
And I realize this in the wake of our adventure at Restaurant Muramoto. I hoped he would like it. I wanted him to like it. In all honesty, I had about 3/4 of our dinner. He didn't have as much. I felt guilty until he told me that part of the pleasure of dinner was seeing me have so much fun. Of course, after we saw Public Enemies (aka: BALE/DEPP CHEEKBONE-OFF!), he couldn't stop talking about a bacon pizza and turtle sundae.
But you know what? If a man can get that much pleasure out of watching me have fun at a meal he's meh with, then I think that's a wonderful thing. I love that man. For everything about him -- when I am happy with him and when I want to rip him a new one. He's a good man and I'm one lucky woman to have him.
Of course, he's also damn lucky to have a woman who puts up with his video games, odd Viking metal love, ramblings and the fact that he can't seem to find the hamper to save his life.
Happy 10th anniversary love. I'm willing to do life with you.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The King of Pop is Dead...
Disclaimer right now: I am not a huge Michael Jackson fan. I don't own any of his CD's or songs. I hated Thriller when I was a girl of 8 and everyone else was like, "OMG! HE'S THE BEST!". I have the same mindset of Bono regarding Michael Jackson songs -- if you imagine that they're in a different language, it's some of the best music you've ever heard. I also always though Janet was the coolest Jackson.
However, that doesn't mean that I can deny the great impact that man left on music and popular culture. He broke the color barrier on MTV, ushering in other acts like Run DMC. The Jackson 5 is the original boy band. Justin Timberlake, Usher and other artists like them owe Michael Jackson for their moves and singing styles.
I am not bummed, but more surprised with the news of his death. Admittedly, I thought it was an attention ploy -- much like the recent tabloid events that have occurred. Jackson had become a punchline to a joke in my mind (and admittedly other people -- even Lewis Black said so). I didn't expect this. In a way, I expected him to live on until 80 or 90, looking freakishly unaged (similar to Liza Minelli).
But he is dead. And while I may not have been a fan, I can appreciate the impact he left. He made interesting music videos, he was an amazing dancer (I wondered for YEARS how he did the lean in Smooth Criminal) and while I didn't care for his music, you can see how it influenced many artists today. For that, I have respect for the man.
RIP Michael.
This is my favorite video of his:
However, that doesn't mean that I can deny the great impact that man left on music and popular culture. He broke the color barrier on MTV, ushering in other acts like Run DMC. The Jackson 5 is the original boy band. Justin Timberlake, Usher and other artists like them owe Michael Jackson for their moves and singing styles.
I am not bummed, but more surprised with the news of his death. Admittedly, I thought it was an attention ploy -- much like the recent tabloid events that have occurred. Jackson had become a punchline to a joke in my mind (and admittedly other people -- even Lewis Black said so). I didn't expect this. In a way, I expected him to live on until 80 or 90, looking freakishly unaged (similar to Liza Minelli).
But he is dead. And while I may not have been a fan, I can appreciate the impact he left. He made interesting music videos, he was an amazing dancer (I wondered for YEARS how he did the lean in Smooth Criminal) and while I didn't care for his music, you can see how it influenced many artists today. For that, I have respect for the man.
RIP Michael.
This is my favorite video of his:
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Monthy Newsletter: 24th month: And lo, there was a toddler!
Dear Benevolent Dictator:
Tomorrow you turn two years old. Today was a birthday party with family and some friends. But I think that the biggest hit of all at the party wasn't the chocolate cake that was more dense than a black hole, but the water table. Your cousins loved it, you loved it and the neighborhood kids loved it. Your pretty party dress, was soaking wet by the end. Not that I'm sad about it.
I think the rule for a good party is the following: It's not really a good party if you come back completely clean and pristine. So in that case, it's was a VERY successful party.
I'm sorry I didn't do an update for the 23rd month. I have no excuse other than being tired and old. But no matter what, you still amaze me. What strikes me the most is your confidence. Even though you can be shy in new situations and need me around, after a few minutes you dive right in and get your hands dirty. You charm people with your smiles and your extroversion.
I was even amazed by how charming you were with the doctor for your two-year checkup and how sweet you were with the nurse. The nurse, who you saw once and burst out into tears because you knew she was the lady who gave you shots.
But you're running to me for reassurance when things don't go your way sometimes. Case in point: We went out for lunch two times with friends. Both those times our friends GENTLY admonished you for one reason or another. Both those times your face crumpled and you started sobbing into my shoulder. Now a good mother would've comforted you. What did I do?
"Quick! Let's talk now! She's quiet! We can get words in!"
If it's not clear already, you are a little chatterbox. You're doing three word sentences like, "(BD) do this," "Momma do this," "(BD) chase rabbit!" Also, when your father and I are involved in conversations you like to yell and add to the conversation. Which can be hard sometimes, especially when your interjection is, "KOALA!"
Sometimes it's hard with you. You have an iron will and a steadfastness that can steamroll through anything. Sometimes the temper tantrums wear me down as well as your constant need to have me bow to your whims. On those days, I joke about needing a stiff drink.
Whenever people have said they were thinking about kids, I'd steal a line from Dooce that was basically, "DO YOU LIKE SLEEP?" if they said yes, my reply was, "REFILL YOUR BIRTH CONTROL."
But then you'll say thanks for the new crib sheets. Or just run to me going, "HI! HI! HI!" and give me a hug. Then there's the moments where we're laying in bed together reading books. Or like today, when you were giggling madly and splashing water everywhere. Those are the moments where I want to tell those people, just find the right person, get a kid one way or another and have fun.
The past two years have been work. They've been emotionally hard sometimes. But they've also been some of the sweetest times I've had. And I have to tell you that no matter what, I will always be honored to be your mother.
Love,
Momma
Tomorrow you turn two years old. Today was a birthday party with family and some friends. But I think that the biggest hit of all at the party wasn't the chocolate cake that was more dense than a black hole, but the water table. Your cousins loved it, you loved it and the neighborhood kids loved it. Your pretty party dress, was soaking wet by the end. Not that I'm sad about it.
I think the rule for a good party is the following: It's not really a good party if you come back completely clean and pristine. So in that case, it's was a VERY successful party.
I'm sorry I didn't do an update for the 23rd month. I have no excuse other than being tired and old. But no matter what, you still amaze me. What strikes me the most is your confidence. Even though you can be shy in new situations and need me around, after a few minutes you dive right in and get your hands dirty. You charm people with your smiles and your extroversion.
I was even amazed by how charming you were with the doctor for your two-year checkup and how sweet you were with the nurse. The nurse, who you saw once and burst out into tears because you knew she was the lady who gave you shots.
But you're running to me for reassurance when things don't go your way sometimes. Case in point: We went out for lunch two times with friends. Both those times our friends GENTLY admonished you for one reason or another. Both those times your face crumpled and you started sobbing into my shoulder. Now a good mother would've comforted you. What did I do?
"Quick! Let's talk now! She's quiet! We can get words in!"
If it's not clear already, you are a little chatterbox. You're doing three word sentences like, "(BD) do this," "Momma do this," "(BD) chase rabbit!" Also, when your father and I are involved in conversations you like to yell and add to the conversation. Which can be hard sometimes, especially when your interjection is, "KOALA!"
Sometimes it's hard with you. You have an iron will and a steadfastness that can steamroll through anything. Sometimes the temper tantrums wear me down as well as your constant need to have me bow to your whims. On those days, I joke about needing a stiff drink.
Whenever people have said they were thinking about kids, I'd steal a line from Dooce that was basically, "DO YOU LIKE SLEEP?" if they said yes, my reply was, "REFILL YOUR BIRTH CONTROL."
But then you'll say thanks for the new crib sheets. Or just run to me going, "HI! HI! HI!" and give me a hug. Then there's the moments where we're laying in bed together reading books. Or like today, when you were giggling madly and splashing water everywhere. Those are the moments where I want to tell those people, just find the right person, get a kid one way or another and have fun.
The past two years have been work. They've been emotionally hard sometimes. But they've also been some of the sweetest times I've had. And I have to tell you that no matter what, I will always be honored to be your mother.
Love,
Momma
Monday, June 08, 2009
HOOOOTTTTIIIIEEEESSS IIIINNNNN SSSPPPPAAAAACCCCEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long ago, K. once wrote an essay that worked out a basic premise: In Lord of the Rings, there is a type of man for every woman. Plain and simple. You like sensitive, rugged, manly? Aragorn. Manly, rugged, angsty? Boromir. Sensitive, rugged, but with daddy issues? Faramir. Drunk and possibly stoned? Merry and Pippin.
And so on and so on. Admittedly, after seeing the Star Trek movie a couple weeks ago, K.'s theory was in my mind. In essence, Star Trek has every type of guy for every girl -- only in space. Where no one can hear you scream (which lets you be as loud as you want I guess). So here's my view:
For those of you who like your men cocky, brash, arrogant, yet somehow a good leader and charismatic as hell, there's Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
Emotionally unavailable, but when you get to know him, he's one kettle of roiling passion with some mama and mixed racial identity issues? Spock's your man. Good luck getting to him though.
Cranky, divorced and cynical with a blunt tongue? Slightly paranoid about what could go wrong, but amazingly smart when it comes to medicine and a quick thinker on his toes, not to mention, a loyal friend? Who doesn't love Bones?
Experimental engineer who deals well with both theory and practical application? Quick with a quip? Scotty!
Mourning the loss of loved ones, has a dark side with a heaping helping of vengeful behaviors? Perhaps you can soothe Nero's troubled brow.
In need of a good father figure? There's always Captain Pike.
Do you like them young, boyish and with Russian accents? Chekov.
AND THE ASIAN GUY! SULU! (Seriously, John Cho needs more to do in the future.)
So which girl are you? I've figured now that I'm pretty much in the Bones/Scotty camp.
And so on and so on. Admittedly, after seeing the Star Trek movie a couple weeks ago, K.'s theory was in my mind. In essence, Star Trek has every type of guy for every girl -- only in space. Where no one can hear you scream (which lets you be as loud as you want I guess). So here's my view:
For those of you who like your men cocky, brash, arrogant, yet somehow a good leader and charismatic as hell, there's Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
Emotionally unavailable, but when you get to know him, he's one kettle of roiling passion with some mama and mixed racial identity issues? Spock's your man. Good luck getting to him though.
Cranky, divorced and cynical with a blunt tongue? Slightly paranoid about what could go wrong, but amazingly smart when it comes to medicine and a quick thinker on his toes, not to mention, a loyal friend? Who doesn't love Bones?
Experimental engineer who deals well with both theory and practical application? Quick with a quip? Scotty!
Mourning the loss of loved ones, has a dark side with a heaping helping of vengeful behaviors? Perhaps you can soothe Nero's troubled brow.
In need of a good father figure? There's always Captain Pike.
Do you like them young, boyish and with Russian accents? Chekov.
AND THE ASIAN GUY! SULU! (Seriously, John Cho needs more to do in the future.)So which girl are you? I've figured now that I'm pretty much in the Bones/Scotty camp.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Because I haven't done one in awhile....
and also because it amused me:
1. Do you like bleu cheese?
Yes. It is stinky, but oh so flavorful.
2. Have you ever been drunk?
Does a vampire sparkle?
3. Do you own a gun?
No. Own lots of swords, knives and armor though. So I'll be fine when the zombies attack.
4. What do you like to do on weekends?
Sleep in, which is rare, listen to "Wait, Wait" on NPR, drink coffee and chase the child around. In short, what I do everyday.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No. I just will always hate the indignity of the pap smear.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Oh hot dog!/How do I love thee?/Let me count the ways./I love thee covered in ketchup/slathered in mustard/and perhaps in a poppyseed bun/I love thee in the Puka Dog, Chicago style or plain, but never undone/Sing lo! The praises of the hot dog!
Yes. I love hot dogs.
7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Christmas Story or Scrooged.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee. Cream. Two cups. As soon as humanly possible.
9. Can you do push ups?
I can wear a push-up bra, does that count?
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring.
11. Favorite hobby?
Reading, writing, cooking, gaming, dancing, being a pervert, conquering small nations and singing badly.
12. Favorite novel?
That's like asking me to choose my favorite kid and we can't have that can we?
13. What's your favorite shoe?
None. I iz hobbit.
14. What is your middle name?
Before or after marriage?
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I should be outside weeding.
My feet are cold.
I wonder if this meme will be amusing.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Coffee
Green tea
Water
17. Current worry?
Superficial: Whether I will be able to weed this weekend. Deeper: Money. Mo money, mo problems.
18. Current hate right now?
Allergies.
20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Watched the Dark Knight, went to bed at 11:30.
21. Where would you like to go?
France, England, Taiwan
22. Name three people who will complete this:
Hextor, Heironeous and Olidammara. Oh wait...did you mean people I know?
23. Do you own slippers?
Yep. Never wear them though. I suspect BD's run off with them to use them as boats or beds for her toys.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Brown
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
I haven't, but I'd imagine you'd slide right off of them.
26. Can you whistle?
Yes.
27. Favorite colors?
Red.
28. Would you be a pirate?
What makes you think I'm not one right now?
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
This one:
30. Favorite Girl's Names?
BD's name, Lyra, Athena
31. Favorite boy's names?
Aleric, Elijah (which I can never use), Jack
32. What's in your pocket right now?
No pockets right now. I'm wearing yoga pants.
33. Last thing that made you laugh?
BD running back and forth between Jeff and I, clad only in diapers, giggling madly as we gave her hugs.
34. Favorite summer activities?
Walking around with BD, going to the zoo, grilling and sitting at the lake with a friend.
35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Knocking my two front teeth out at age 10. I figure giving birth isn't technically an injury, but the C-Section scar is pretty cool.
36. Do you love where you live?
Yes. My family is here. My heart is here.
37. Who is your loudest friend?
Hrm. I'd say K. and Sid. With love. When we get together the decibels go up.
39. How many dogs do you have?
Sadly none. Anyone want to loan us a dog to clean up under the high chair?
40. Does someone have a crush on you?
I suspect Jeff. But he's married to me, so I don't know if that counts.
41. What is something you are really looking forward to?
Going outside and perhaps doing some weeding.
Playing with BD.
Getting to try on two dressed I ordered online.
42. What is one thing you do several times a week?
Change diapers.
43. What song do you want sung at your Funeral?
I know it's sappy, but this:
Or Queens' "Another One Bites the Dust."
44. Name something or someone you love.
My family.
1. Do you like bleu cheese?
Yes. It is stinky, but oh so flavorful.
2. Have you ever been drunk?
Does a vampire sparkle?
3. Do you own a gun?
No. Own lots of swords, knives and armor though. So I'll be fine when the zombies attack.
4. What do you like to do on weekends?
Sleep in, which is rare, listen to "Wait, Wait" on NPR, drink coffee and chase the child around. In short, what I do everyday.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No. I just will always hate the indignity of the pap smear.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Oh hot dog!/How do I love thee?/Let me count the ways./I love thee covered in ketchup/slathered in mustard/and perhaps in a poppyseed bun/I love thee in the Puka Dog, Chicago style or plain, but never undone/Sing lo! The praises of the hot dog!
Yes. I love hot dogs.
7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Christmas Story or Scrooged.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee. Cream. Two cups. As soon as humanly possible.
9. Can you do push ups?
I can wear a push-up bra, does that count?
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring.
11. Favorite hobby?
Reading, writing, cooking, gaming, dancing, being a pervert, conquering small nations and singing badly.
12. Favorite novel?
That's like asking me to choose my favorite kid and we can't have that can we?
13. What's your favorite shoe?
None. I iz hobbit.
14. What is your middle name?
Before or after marriage?
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I should be outside weeding.
My feet are cold.
I wonder if this meme will be amusing.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Coffee
Green tea
Water
17. Current worry?
Superficial: Whether I will be able to weed this weekend. Deeper: Money. Mo money, mo problems.
18. Current hate right now?
Allergies.
20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Watched the Dark Knight, went to bed at 11:30.
21. Where would you like to go?
France, England, Taiwan
22. Name three people who will complete this:
Hextor, Heironeous and Olidammara. Oh wait...did you mean people I know?
23. Do you own slippers?
Yep. Never wear them though. I suspect BD's run off with them to use them as boats or beds for her toys.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Brown
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
I haven't, but I'd imagine you'd slide right off of them.
26. Can you whistle?
Yes.
27. Favorite colors?
Red.
28. Would you be a pirate?
What makes you think I'm not one right now?
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
This one:
30. Favorite Girl's Names?
BD's name, Lyra, Athena
31. Favorite boy's names?
Aleric, Elijah (which I can never use), Jack
32. What's in your pocket right now?
No pockets right now. I'm wearing yoga pants.
33. Last thing that made you laugh?
BD running back and forth between Jeff and I, clad only in diapers, giggling madly as we gave her hugs.
34. Favorite summer activities?
Walking around with BD, going to the zoo, grilling and sitting at the lake with a friend.
35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Knocking my two front teeth out at age 10. I figure giving birth isn't technically an injury, but the C-Section scar is pretty cool.
36. Do you love where you live?
Yes. My family is here. My heart is here.
37. Who is your loudest friend?
Hrm. I'd say K. and Sid. With love. When we get together the decibels go up.
39. How many dogs do you have?
Sadly none. Anyone want to loan us a dog to clean up under the high chair?
40. Does someone have a crush on you?
I suspect Jeff. But he's married to me, so I don't know if that counts.
41. What is something you are really looking forward to?
Going outside and perhaps doing some weeding.
Playing with BD.
Getting to try on two dressed I ordered online.
42. What is one thing you do several times a week?
Change diapers.
43. What song do you want sung at your Funeral?
I know it's sappy, but this:
Or Queens' "Another One Bites the Dust."
44. Name something or someone you love.
My family.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon and Kate plus Hate
Well. Watching the premiere of Jon and Kate Plus Eight last night was about as comfortable as having dinner with George and Martha. I don't even know how to summarize it up except that it's depressing as hell. Basically it's 75 minutes of watching a marriage implode thanks to a bunch of different things.
For the record, I'm not on the parents' team. I'm on "Team Get The Kids Out Of There And Into Something Mentally Healthier."
But the whole thing got me reflecting on when parents would toss out the tired, "Kids make your relationship stronger," cliche. Yes, kids can make your relationship stronger (because if you don't team up, the kids will tear the house down), but they can also rip a couple apart.
I remember sitting in my mommy-baby group hearing mothers talk about how their relationship with their husbands changed. I heard about the strain and how one considered divorce. Adjusting to Benevolent Dictator in our lives was also hard on Jeff and me.
A baby is like a small, adorable, cooing, cuddly hand grenade. They will rip apart everything you know and hold dear without prejudice. Doesn't matter if you love your husband and your family. Thanks to sleep deprivation, adjusting to a new squalling life, changing identities and doing this while under the gun, neither parent will be seeing the best of the other. It's a fact.
Not to mention, a baby gives parents reason to distract themselves from the stresses in a marriage that may have already been there. It's easy to slip into auto-pilot and not talk to your spouse. It's easy to let things go to neglect.
While the impact without kids may not be that bad -- after all, if you split up, it's only the two of you -- with kids its worse. They do sense when things aren't going well. They can sense the weird energies in a room when their parents aren't necessarily fighting, but they're not getting along. Not to mention, divorce is a hell of a lot messier and you are still stuck with your ex thanks to the kids. No shipping the ex off to some unknown island where you never see them again.
I don't think it's a matter of how long you're married before the kids come onto the scene. I think it's a matter of whether or not you can communicate and trust your partner, as well as address potential issues that will get worse when a kid is around.
Maybe that's the best piece of advice I have for people who want children. Make sure that you as a couple are strong. Make sure you talk to each other. Make sure you work through the tough patches and come to resolutions. Because if you don't, a kid isn't going to make anything better anytime soon.
For the record, I'm not on the parents' team. I'm on "Team Get The Kids Out Of There And Into Something Mentally Healthier."
But the whole thing got me reflecting on when parents would toss out the tired, "Kids make your relationship stronger," cliche. Yes, kids can make your relationship stronger (because if you don't team up, the kids will tear the house down), but they can also rip a couple apart.
I remember sitting in my mommy-baby group hearing mothers talk about how their relationship with their husbands changed. I heard about the strain and how one considered divorce. Adjusting to Benevolent Dictator in our lives was also hard on Jeff and me.
A baby is like a small, adorable, cooing, cuddly hand grenade. They will rip apart everything you know and hold dear without prejudice. Doesn't matter if you love your husband and your family. Thanks to sleep deprivation, adjusting to a new squalling life, changing identities and doing this while under the gun, neither parent will be seeing the best of the other. It's a fact.
Not to mention, a baby gives parents reason to distract themselves from the stresses in a marriage that may have already been there. It's easy to slip into auto-pilot and not talk to your spouse. It's easy to let things go to neglect.
While the impact without kids may not be that bad -- after all, if you split up, it's only the two of you -- with kids its worse. They do sense when things aren't going well. They can sense the weird energies in a room when their parents aren't necessarily fighting, but they're not getting along. Not to mention, divorce is a hell of a lot messier and you are still stuck with your ex thanks to the kids. No shipping the ex off to some unknown island where you never see them again.
I don't think it's a matter of how long you're married before the kids come onto the scene. I think it's a matter of whether or not you can communicate and trust your partner, as well as address potential issues that will get worse when a kid is around.
Maybe that's the best piece of advice I have for people who want children. Make sure that you as a couple are strong. Make sure you talk to each other. Make sure you work through the tough patches and come to resolutions. Because if you don't, a kid isn't going to make anything better anytime soon.
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